Monday, September 24, 2007

underneath it all...

I'm having a hard time reconciling wanting to lose weight and wanting to be healthy. I want to be smaller, and I want to be healthy, and I know for me, at this point those two things go hand in hand.

I did pretty well with my eating this weekend, even when that included a party. I was healthy and ate balanced meals all weekend, until yesterday. then I ate out twice, and didn't focus on my veggies, so it's super veggies for dinner tonight for sure.

When Tasha called and told me about the trip to Vegas, one of my really big reasons for wanting to go was to lose a bunch of weight first and then go and show off to all of my friends, and then I realized that the trip would be in 15 weeks, and in 15 weeks, I could possibly only lose 15 pounds. Or I could lose up to 30. 15 pounds, added to the 10 pounds i've already lost, would make for a total 0f 25, Or a weight of 238.And I weighed less than that in College, so I would still look bigger to them! But I wonder if I am working out and eating more healthy, If I would look different. Hmmm. And then I got to thinking, why does it matter, what do I have to prove by being skinny, what is that desire really about?

It's the same as going home to Reno and seeing people from highschool (although I am like 50 pounds heavier than highschool, so loosing weight really woudln't matter there) or seeing guys from college, like the boys or the football players.

Does one ever stop wanting to lose weight to show everyone else how amazing they can look? Or is it always secretly, at the end of the day about that?