underneath it all...

I'm having a hard time reconciling wanting to lose weight and wanting to be healthy. I want to be smaller, and I want to be healthy, and I know for me, at this point those two things go hand in hand.

I did pretty well with my eating this weekend, even when that included a party. I was healthy and ate balanced meals all weekend, until yesterday. then I ate out twice, and didn't focus on my veggies, so it's super veggies for dinner tonight for sure.

When Tasha called and told me about the trip to Vegas, one of my really big reasons for wanting to go was to lose a bunch of weight first and then go and show off to all of my friends, and then I realized that the trip would be in 15 weeks, and in 15 weeks, I could possibly only lose 15 pounds. Or I could lose up to 30. 15 pounds, added to the 10 pounds i've already lost, would make for a total 0f 25, Or a weight of 238.And I weighed less than that in College, so I would still look bigger to them! But I wonder if I am working out and eating more healthy, If I would look different. Hmmm. And then I got to thinking, why does it matter, what do I have to prove by being skinny, what is that desire really about?

It's the same as going home to Reno and seeing people from highschool (although I am like 50 pounds heavier than highschool, so loosing weight really woudln't matter there) or seeing guys from college, like the boys or the football players.

Does one ever stop wanting to lose weight to show everyone else how amazing they can look? Or is it always secretly, at the end of the day about that?

Intuition

And it is Friday. Tomorrow is my 5k! The first that I have participated in since I was in sixth grade. Wow. I'm looking forward to it, I think our plan is to mostly walk. Maybe a little bit of jogging mixed in there.

So, I've been keeping up with my blog reading. Wow, there are just so many out there. Something i've recently stumbled upon are blogs about intuitive eating. I want to eat intuitively, not out of emotion. I want to eat when I am hungry and quit when I am full. I've also decided that I am "anti-diet." Yet "pro health and body and fitness." I want to be as good to my body as possible. Right now, I am at the point where weight loss is going to happen. I was so un-good to my body for so long, that, I can't but not lose weight. And nothing is off limits, if I want to eat nothing but full fat mayonaise, I am going to. But I like reduced fat mayonaise, and 100 calorie cakes. They aren't diet, they are just tiny. Hello portion control, I don't believe we have ever met.

Anyway, It's all very interesting.
My husband is out of town this weekend, and I want to make sure that I use this as a chance to cook myself healthy meals, and not just rely on fast food or cereal to get me through. Here are somethings that I want to buy:
Whole Grain Cereal
Brown Rice
Whole grain Waffles
frozen fruit
spinach
Whole Wheat pasta
and some other stuff.
I need some fresh veggies and fresh fruit as well
oooh! maybe some whole wheat english muffins, for peanut butter and bananas.
yummy.
I want to buy what my body wants.

In the past few weeks, I've really been paying attention to how different foods make me feel. I have noticed that when I eat a good balance of fresh, non processed foods, I feel better and not as bogged down. I don't deprive myself though ,sometimes a girl just needs a little Kraft Macaroni and Cheese!