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Thursday, October 25, 2007

mother

Mother's and Daughters.

Whole books have been written on the dynamics of that relationship. I'm going to talk about mine.

My mom was fat when I was growing up. I knew that she was "fat" because I had friends who were "thin" also, because she was constantly on some sort of diet. Never a yo yo diet, my mom's weight was pretty consistent. But she was a vegetarian, she was on weight watchers, she was on atkins, you name it. Wow, I've never realized all of this before (analyzed it so to speak).



She didn't really work out, she walked alot, but didn't go the gym or anything. I don't know how it was for her, my mom is a pretty private person, or she was whe nI was a child.



As a child I was a compulsive overeater. Seriously. I saw somethign I wanted and I had to have it, all of it at once, not even tasting it. I sneaked food into my room, I tored the house apart looking for sugar. My parents at one point, considered sending me to my uncles fruit farm to work and lose weight. I was not cognizant of this in the same way as I am now.



I never felt good enough for my mom. Not good enough in school, not good enough in Soccer, not good enough at my chores. Again, this doesn't really bother me as much as it sounds. I think I might be like her like that. I don't think she didn't think I was doing a good job, she just thought I could do a better job, but she rarely said good job. And as all women know, all little girls want is their mothers approval and love. I have just realized, that I might do that to my husband quit a bit. Damn.

Anyway, let's fast forward a few years. Throughout my young adult hood, I was away at college, but would still see my mother obviously, and there were times when she would tell me I looked good, or she wouldn't say anything about my appearance, which meant I looked not so good, and there would be clothes wear she would tell me that if I were five pounds lighter It would look better, or not to gain any weight cause then my clothes wouldnt' fit. And still...this didn't bother me too much.

the only time something my mother said that truly bothered me, I was about...uh...12? And I was asking her a question about one of the neighbors and she said "why don't you walk your chubby little but over there and ask your self." I don't know if she remembers this, or if she was even aware of what she was saying, or what she truly meant. Shit. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Damn. But, that? That hurt.

Anyway, so as we (or I being as I don't think anyone reads me) know, I am currently on a weight loss/ HAES sort of journey. I can't quite decide what camp I am in. I want to be HAES, and believe it. I do believe that there are different sorts of healthy, and that healthy for me, isn't the same as you, or my co workers or even my mother, and I certainly don't believe in BMI. But part of being healthy at MY size, is for me to lose some weight right now, as a result of becoming healthy.
I am there ,my mother is on weight watchers. My mom joined a gym six years ago, got a personal trainer five years ago, and I think has only lost about 30 pounds. And this frustrates her, maybe it's more like 28. whatever. She wants to weight 160 or something, and I DON'T THINK SHE CAN. there I said it. dont' think that is the healthies weight for her. She looks great, she is strong, but there is still some fat there. DUH. she is 60, she has two children. She is a woman.
But she wants to lose more.
I sent her a Love your Body E-card on love your body day. All it said was "love your body now, today." and she sent one back, it was snippy. Somethign about thanks for the thought, but remember that we need to be good stewards of our bodies blah blah blah" which I take to mean lose weight to be thin. I don't know what my mom's goal weight means for her.
I don't know her that well.

1 comments:

sarah said...

went back & read this post after you mentioned it in current postings. what a great post - i can relate. up until about a year ago (I am 32), my mom would always ask me "what size are you again?" whenever she saw me. my mom was on & off diets my whole life & now has settled on being obese and inactive and a heavy eater. it makes me sad, but inspires me to be healthier for my kids. the mother-daughter link is inextricable & i think you're doing such a great job. keep it up!!