honestly

So, As I've stated many times, I'm struggling between wanting to lose gobs of weight and wanting to be pro fat, and kind of sort of publicly settling on trying to get "healthy" yet internally struggling with what I really want. Do I want to lose weight? Am I ok with wherever my body settles? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW.
but..i'm working on it.
And today I read a post about being honest with what you weigh. Ha. the last time I was honest with what I weigh, outloud to another person, was my office mate Amy last year, becuase I knew she weighed more than me, so she was "safe."

I say it in my blogs/journals all the time. But only in the ones that no one reads. Why can't I post it in the journal that, four people read? Eh?
I weight 252. Which is somewhere between 7 and 13 pounds less than I did Earlier this summer, depending on what scale I was on, and at what time during the day. I'm going to average that out to 10. 10 pounds i've lost. I'm eating better and being good to my body. I have to tell myself, that being good to my body can mean lots of things. It can mean, eating a small salad and a big burger, or eating only a salad, because that is what my body wants and needs. It is not a crime to be good to my body, filling it full of junk and not exercising is not being good to my body.

Starving my self and counting calories is also not being good to my body. Working out to the point of injury is not being good to my body. I just want to be the best to my body that I can be.

I feel pretty connected to my body, and consequently pretty good in my skin, well with my clothes on. There is about 12 inches in the middle that i'm not too fond of. But I want to be fond on them. The stretch marks on them will never go away, the dark hair will never magically be gone, the way my fat lays, will always be there. But oh help me if I don't wnat to feel my hip bones jutting out sometimes, if I don't want to have the smalled waist in the world *ok that is an exageration*

I want to accept my self and be healthy, and be good to my body, and not stuff it full. Stuffing is painful, stuffing anything is painful. Here is a concept, i don't do other things to my body that cause it pain on purpose, OTHER than tattoos, but you know, that is decoration! I think I can grasp that, quit eating when you are full, becuase it feels good. Don't starve yourself cause it hurts, don't stuff yourself because that also hurts.