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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

It's Time....

Something’s been bothering me lately.
Well….it’s something that someone said. Someone being my mother. I love my mother, I do. I think she is an incredibly strong and organized woman. I would like to be like her.
But, not in one aspect. Body Image.
My mom, and subsequently I, come from a family of stocky, barrel chested German Native Americans. Seriously, no one in my Mom’s family is taller than 5’7” (her four brothers included) and they hall have some serious mass.
So, needless to say, my mom has always been bigger than what society deems ideal. As a runner in her early 30’s she wore a size 14/16. And she was super healthy and fit.
After she had kids, she gained weight and was overweight and fat all through my childhood. (I’ve written this all before by the way, just can’t get rid of those Mommy issues).
Anyway, I’ll cut to the point, after being on various diets throughout my childhood, after my brother and I left home she joined a gym, and after a year of working out, hired a personal trainer. I’m not sure what her diet plan was, although she has a definte tendency to try whatever someone tells her is the next great thing, lately it’s raw food and food combining.
Anyway, I am also built like my mom’s family, only with my Dad’s families height and legs. At 5’7” I tower over my Aunts and am on eye level with my mom’s brothers. On the other side of the family, my Aunt has an inch on me, and my uncles vary from 6-12 inches taller. I am thankful everyday that I don’t have the bandy chicken legs of my mom’s family. Instead I have, what I call Tree Trunks. My legs are serious from the thighs down. I like them, they are muscular and shapely.

Ok, back to the point. The thing that is bothering me.
My parents are coming to visit us this weekend. My dad had passed through our area a few weeks ago, and after he returned home, my mom emailed me. She said that my Dad told her that I looked really good and he thought I had lost weight. She signed off her email with “looking forward to seeing less of you.”
Oomph. Ugh.

I know that my mom is happy to see me no matter what, and that she loves me no matter what, but I hate that. It doesn’t stop me from thinking “what if I had gained 60 pounds? Would you be looking forward to seeing more of me?” Don’t you want to see the most of me that you can? I realize that it’s an expression and that she doesn’t mean she wants to see me less. Is this something that people say to each other in weight watchers? Where does she even come up with this stuff? This is actually the second time that she’s signed an email like that (in fairness, after I had emailed her about stepping up my work outs). But it bothered me then, and it bothers me now. I’ve come a long way from where I once was with being able to stick up to people and tout my HAES values, but something about me regresses when my mother is in the picture. I need to be an adult and tell her. Time to grow up.

1 comments:

LauraJayne said...

I'm glad I read this post today - while I do not like to say it much, because my mom would be quite upset if she ever knew that she made me feel this way - I used to feel like she loved me less because she was overweight. When I moved out, I think I gained as much weight as I did, in part, because I was rebelling against her healthy ways! It took me 5 years to lose 120 pounds, and I had to learn to do it my way - and while I have a lot more in commmon with my mom now, there were times when I was very hurt by her innuendos, no matter how unconscious and unintended they were! Keep up the good work!