Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Look before you leap

Oh man.
Lent is not going well.
I cut out dessert, and now all I think about is dessert. Seriously.
In the past year and half, since getting on this path to health, I’ve never restricted my self. I still ate pizza and desserts and chips and everything, but I did it in moderation, and I never really felt deprived.

I am feeling deprived. Seriously deprived. It’s all mental. And this is such age old ‘why diets don’t work” kind of stuff. Once you tell yourself you can’t have something, it is all you want, and you think about it, and your mind tricks your body into thinking it needs whatever is being withheld more than anything, and then you cave. And when you cave, you cave good. I do anyway. For the past month, as I’ve tried to retrain my focus on healthy eating habits, I’ve been having dessert probably about 3 times a week. And on the nights that I didn’t have it, I didn’t think about it too much.
But now…it’s bad.

And I’m a little scared.

Many of you know that I used to be a binger. I didn’t purge, just ate. And ate sugar. And I hid it. I have a distinct memory of taking a box of girl scout cookies out of our families stash and hiding it under my bed, and eating it in secrecy in like two days. The fact that I can now have an open box of cookies in my pantry and eat them like a normal person is a big step for me.
But, with this Lent deal..I find myself thinking about how I can sneak the food.
Uh oh.
Each month we celebrate the birthdays in our office with a cake during our once a month all staff meeting. Well…like I’ve said previously, the spirit of competition is high around here for the wellness competition, and when I didn’t have a piece of cake, my male co-workers (who are all on a team together) were ribbing me and trying to get me to eat a piece of cake.
I didn’t eat the cake, and when I sat back down at my desk, I seriously planned on how I could have a piece of cake, I would just have to sneak it so that no one would notice.

This is not good.
I did some thinking this afternoon, and I think I have to give up, giving up dessert foods for Lent. It triggers my binge eating/sneaking food behaviors. The most important thing in my healthy journey is learning to have a healthy relationship with food, and I can’t compromise that.


Carrie H said...

I don't think I have ever commented on your blog, but I think giving up on giving up desserts is ultimately the right decision for you. After all the steps you have taken to become healthier and the successes you've had, I think it's the wisest decision. It's not worth all the possible backsliding! God will understand! :) Good luck.

Wei Sic Meow said...

It's great that you recognised the warning signs and soon enough. I think you are totally making the right decision. Good for you!

LeeAnn said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile. I am exactly the same way with sweets. I even hid some icing under my bed!!!!
I think you are making a good choice! Give up something else. It doesn't even have to be food!
By the way, I love reading your blog!

littlecalder said...

i agree with what the others have said. you've worked far to hard for health to throw it away when you notice the warning signs.

i don't think i could ever deny myself something completely like that either. i might only have it occasionally, but i agree, knowing you can have it can make you want it less.

hooray for healthiness!

Every Gym's Nightmare said...

deprivation is not a good feeling. but if you think about it- thats the point of lent right? to see if you can over come and come out stronger in the end

Kelly Turner

Allison said...

Carrie H-
Thanks for the support!

Wei Sic Meow-

Thanks for commenting! I so hear you about hiding things under the bed.

Little Calder-