and things...

well,
I've come to terms with the fact that it is ok to not turn into a HAES person overnight. I still get excited when I see the number of the scale going down. Im not obsessed with getting to a certain weight, I do just want to be healthy.
And now I'm going to Vegas in February. and I'm really wrestling with the desire to blow my friends out of the water. What about me? Why don't I want to do this for me? I do a little bit, but the tangible feeling, the taste in my mouth is wanting to look better than Tasha. I can say it. To be able to see my friends and have them sayI look great, and say that I've been working my ass off, and have lost 30 pounds. But here is the the thing, the last time my friends saw me, I was well...If I am 249 now, at least 25 pounds lighter. I could fit into my red pants, at least I could at the beginning of senior year. so maybe I won't look amazing. I wish I knew how much I weighed then.
But why? why? why? Why does it matter, these are my friends, and they should like me no matter what. and they do. but I do want to impress them by looking fabulous, and having fabulous outfits and a fabulous haircut. Why? to show them that I have grown up? That I am no longer the fashionly challenged? I don't know.
I just don't know.